Parent-Child Relationship

Today, the skillful use of praise and criticism to smooth parent-child relationships and increase harmony in the home seems more important than ever. Parents need not waste energy on crisis and confrontation that might have been avoided with more adept handling.

Haim Ginott, author of “Between Parent and Child” and “Between Parents and teenagers”, defines the goal of all criticism as the solution of a particular problem. Criticism that doesn’t accomplish this goal has failed as a tool in family management and should be improved.

In his book, Dr. Ginott insists that the following three rules are important when we criticize:

• Don’t attack personally attributes
• Don’t criticise character traits
• Deal with the situation at hand

A friend whose son had a mishap with a ballpoint pen followed these rules with good results. Somehow, black permanent ink showed up one day, first on his shirt and jeans, then on the living room sofa. Such apparent carelessness at first made her very upset. How could her son not know the pen in his pocket was leaking? Yet, the deed was done. And as she saw him unashamedly scrubbing the sofa, her annoyance subsided.

“Maybe, I can get a stain remover for that sofa”, she heard herself say mildly. “Guess, you ‘I’ll have to save that outfit for fishing ‘. She didn’t miss his grateful relieved grin. A thoroughly unhappy time was avoided when she kept her attention on the situation on hand. Handled by wise parents, only things had been marred, not her child’s esteem.

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The exercise in self-control was not easy, as the mother was quick to admit. The temptation to label her son “careless” was overwhelming. Yet a child ‘s concern is apt to be different from an adult Neatness, the avoidance of mishaps is something he learns as he grows up. Labelling would be not only false but insulting. No one wants to be labelled for life as a “bad driver” because of a mishap behind the wheel, or a “careless cook” because dinner gets too well browned.

How do we criticize effectively when criticism seems needed?

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Criticism should be thought of as a correctional tool employed as unemotionally as a good coach provides advice to the pitcher taking the mould. It doesn’t deal in personalities. It doesn’t use recriminations. It criticises privately, discussing the act, not the person.

The test of effective criticism is whether or not it has positive results, providing the guidance needed to keep a young man on course.

1. Criticize in private. To do otherwise means loss of face perhaps cancelling the value of correction.
2. Preface criticism with praise or a kind word in this spirit we acknowledge the child ‘s efforts to do chores well, his or her usual record of being on time, good report cards in the past. This sets the stage for our son’s or daughter ‘s acceptance of our loving suggestion for improvement instead of a defence against attack.
3. Keep critical comments impersonal, directed at the act, not the person.
4. Don’t expect change to be immediate some times, especially with teens; a little lapse can be overlooked while a youngster changes gears and is ready to accept our criticism.
5. Tell the child how to do it right. Avoid over-emphasizing the mistake by concentrating on how performance can be improved.
6. Use good manners. Ask for cooperation, don’t demand it. An implied “let’s work this out together” is most effective.
7. Criticize an offense only once otherwise it becomes nagging. It’s better to clearly state what needs improvement, as the coach corrects the pitcher, then forget about it.
8. Finish the session on a loving note. Just as its best to begin with a morale boost, end up in a positive fashion showing faith in a child ‘s willingness and ability to comply.

(V.S.Pawar – Member Indian Institute of Natural Therapeutics, 1980)